


Gamzee: Ponder Miracles

by Miyamashi (MorganEAshton)



Series: Gamzee: Get All Philosophical Up in This Motherfucker [1]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Alternate Universe, Avoidance, Brainbent, Coping mechanism, Depersonalization Disorder, Fanwork of a Fanwork, Friendship, M/M, MOTHERF-IN MIRACLES, Mental Illness, PTSD, trigger - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-08
Updated: 2012-09-08
Packaged: 2017-11-13 19:20:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/506842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganEAshton/pseuds/Miyamashi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Brainbent AU, canon)</p><p>Nobody understands the miracles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gamzee: Ponder Miracles

**Author's Note:**

  * For [VastDerp](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VastDerp/gifts), [rainbowBarnacle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowBarnacle/gifts), [mercurialMalcontent](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mercurialMalcontent/gifts).



> This one-shot was inspired by the Brainbent Homestuck AU. If you haven't read Brainbent, check it out [here](http://brainbent.tumblr.com). Seriously. Brainbent, to me, is required reading if you're into Homestuck. It's the most clever, touching, substantial use of an AU I've ever seen, in any fandom.
> 
> While I'm not one of the BB mods, this story was accepted into the canon storyline. *happy dances*

Nobody understands the miracles.

You know they laugh at you for it, but they can't all be helpin' that. You laugh when something's funny, and it's gotta be pretty funny to all be seeing a man staring at some tiny leaf or bug or any motherfuckin' little special thing, calling it miracles. So you laugh, too. That way they're laughing with you, instead.

You love being able to laugh with your friends.

You don't quite get them, either, the way miracles to them gotta be huge shit like some brother all waking himself up after being dead. Yeah, that'd be one fuckin' intense miracle, but that ain't gotta mean that shit like the way the lightning bugs are all to be making their butts glow can't be miracles, too.

If you made your butt glow, then maybe they'd think THAT was pretty motherfuckin' miraculous. 

Heh, that'd be pretty cool.

Still, you get kinda sad when you up and get thinking about how people keep waiting for miracles, when they're all to being surrounded by them already. You get kinda sad when people like your best bro Karkat or your beautiful twitchybro Sollux can't see they're miracles, too.

You get kinda sad, because without your miracles, you woulda' broken a long, long time ago.

Sometimes, when things get bad enough, and the nightmares all get scary enough, and your hands start shakin' bad enough, you just gotta stop and smell the motherfuckin' roses. Or look at how the trees keep changing and the stars keep up their sweet twinkling. Or taste a wicked confectionary. Or listen to the way you can make motherfuckin' _magic_ with those shaking hands and a guitar.

You really wish you could share with them, those moments when everything slips away and it's just you and a miracle and the little slice of happiness pie that comes along with it. (You totally have to try and invent happiness pie. You know how fuckin' sweet that shit'd be? Pun. Motherfuckin'. Intended.) You love them all so damn much it hurts, so it stings just a little bit when you try and share the things that work to all keep you happy, and they look at you like you're crazy.

Well, you guess you gotta be pretty crazy to all be ending up in a place like this. You sure hope this ain't what you're here for, though. It's the one thing you're sure about yourself is sane.

Some of 'em get it more than others. You can always be talkin' to Tavbro about shit like this. He don't ever laugh at you. He just gives you that slightly lopsided, gentle grin of his that makes all them little freckles scrunch together. You really motherfuckin' love that. He sometimes really gets into it, too, especially when it's all about some critter. He told you once it's 'cause he's pagan, and they're all to be thinking nature is something sacred. You like that, 'cause it's like paganism's up and being a cousin to your beliefs. His is just a bit more naturey, while your pantheism is a bit more everything...y. 

Windybro's got his own brand of miracles. He gets sad he can't show you too, sometimes, because he says he'll get in trouble. But you let him tell you all about it, and he sure as motherfuck does tell you. His miracles are big ones, like being able to fly, but he sometimes gets interested in your little ones, especially when he can't be figuring them out. 

You still gotta ask Kanaya how socks are all being round and shit without any seam except in the toe.

Now THAT sister makes miracles, and don't even realize it. She is gettin' better, though, at letting herself be happy with her work, and she's starting to be realizing that she's got talent. It really gets your heart feeling all warm and fuzzy when you up and remember how it was when she was first to be getting here, and how she's all changed since. You'll miss getting to be her model and getting to feel all motherfuckin' pretty all the time. You'll miss _her_. But you came to terms a long time ago with the fact that miracles are fleeting. You're hopin' she'll be happy out sharing hers with the world.

If Kanaya is all to be makin your heart happy, Eribro's got to be motherfuckin' breaking it. He's so damn talented and shit, but so damn sad all the time. Somethin' about dignity not being happy, or some poetic shit like that. He said it so much better, but it still made you sad. You're not all to be liking dignity that much if it means you ain't allowed to be happy. You try and act as undignified around him as possible, which to be honest ain't all that motherfuckin' hard. Maybe he'll catch on.

You could go on all day about them. The way kittysis is to be loving little miracles like soft fur, but hissing at others, like when you wear your favorite purple shirts. The way little Striderbro can throw out some sick beats, but don't much do it anymore on account of all being depressed about his bro. The way Rose is to be knowing what brothers are to be thinking like she's one of the doctors, but can't quite get her head around what her mom up and did to her. Even Vriska, scary and mean as she is, well...you gotta admit it's pretty rad that a sister can all up and lose an arm and an eye and act like that's totally cool.

Sometimes that bitchtits motherfucker WV is to be saying you spend so much time concentrating on other peoples's miracles that you up and forget about your own. 

Sometimes that's wrong. Sometimes you remember, like when you and Jadesis are all to be jamming together. You get into it, and you know you're good, and you know she knows. She's good, too, and you can tell she's enjoying it as much as you are. That makes you feel special, like you're up and having a real bonding moment like some normal motherfucker. That's a good feeling.

Karbro makes you feel good, too. He's always helpin' you out, like you actually matter to him. It's rare you feel like you really up and matter to anyone, so it's pretty motherfuckin' special. He's also good at reminding you that even when you fuck shit up hardcore, that you're still a good dude. Sometimes you think you get through to him a bit, too, which gives you a little tiny bit of pride. You know he don't hate everyone. You know he cares about 'em as much as you do. You will get him to see it someday.

Speaking of fuckin' shit up, Sollux still ain't talking to you. Karbro gave you hope that you could have a feelings jam and get all that shit aired out, but you can't fuckin' do that if he _ain't talking to you at all_. It really motherfuckin' sucks, 'cause Solbro is one of the best things you got here. You two go way back. He was here when you got here. You two watched all these other rad motherfuckers get here. You both watched the last batch leave. And fuck if he didn't make you feel special in those miracle moments the two of you shared. You know he's depressed, and you've seen him during some bad times before. It still sucks.

You guess WV was right. That was supposed to all up and be about you.

But sometimes you just feel like you ain’t as worth thinkin’ about as the other motherfuckers. It ain’t that you don’t try, but it’s hard and it kinda’ hurts.

Maybe later. Maybe. For now, you just sit back in the common room, look at all the motherfuckers, and smile.

Nobody understands the miracles, ‘cause they don’t know that the most important miracle is them.

**Author's Note:**

> To VastDerp, rainbowBarnacle, and mercurialMalcontent: Thank you so much for your work with Brainbent. I can't quite express what the AU means to me, but it's important in a lot of ways. For one, it inspired me to go back to treatment after a discouraging first visit. 
> 
> While my diagnosis probably should have made me relate more to Sollux than Gamzee, something about Gamzee just rings very true to me. The idea of appreciating the little things is one I hold very dear to my heart, even if people sometimes do tease me about it. I'm also known to employ the "smile through my pain" method of coping. Because of Gamzee, I also found a name for my spiritual beliefs. 
> 
> Thanks, guys.


End file.
